Vegan Nuggets Are a Scam

So, what's your take? Stop cosplaying vegan food as non-vegan food. 100% agree. If you're going to be a vegan, just be a vegan. Well, also stop like gaslighting me into thinking that this vegan food is not actually what it is. Stop saying buffalo cauliflower wings. There's—they're not wings. It's a plant. Well, wait. They're not wings. They're not wings. They're not even that. That's—stop it. That's a cauliflower nugget. It's a cauliflower that is being a [ __ ] in a sauce. And it—it's [ __ ] because it cost $18 and now I'm upset. Just say what it is. Or if—be—be fun or alternative, be cute and funny. Call it like, name it after something. Like, instead of, you know, cauliflower chicken or tax fraud. Like, call it tax fraud. Sure. Like, give it like a quirky little name. Like, you know what about "bites?" Cauliflower buffalo cauliflower bites. Okay. Cauliflower is the size of a bite, so that's just kind of contradictive and it's making me mad. I don't like that. I can say this as a vegan—I was a former vegan.

Former? Welcome back. Well, thank you. I broke up with that man. So, I—I woke up. You never go vegan for a significant other. Never.

Well, they don't teach you that when you're doing— I know. And did you lie about what? Like, when he was like, "Are you vegan?" You were like, "Yeah, yeah, for sure." I was like, "Yeah, I'm annoying." Yeah. I was like, "I'm definitely a problem. You know, let's be together."

Is that trauma bonding? Having the same diet? Oh god. That makes everybody sad. Veganism. Yes. Yeah. When you tell people that you're vegan, they want to like compensate like with your veganism, your mental illness. And so they'll be like, "Oh, I have barbecue wings for you." And no, it was like sugar cane dipped in barbecue. They weren't wings or ribs. This is great. I was like, "No, can y'all please like not support my issue?" Like, no. Like, let me eat a rib and let's not talk about it. And it's not a burger. It's a patty.

Yeah. I don't like that. It's a vegetable patty.

Yeah. Don't say—don't say the—the—the—the burger. Yeah. Here's the thing. I've been gaslighting by many, many, many people all the time. I get gaslit every day by the—by the—the government, ex-boyfriends, my mom. I don't want it for my food. Sorry. Am I—am I too passionate? I'm sweating.

No. I want you to be passionate. I want you to be passionate. Right. So, would you ever date a vegan again?

How much money does he make? Vegans make a lot of money, actually. They do. Vegans make a lot of money or they're really, really poor because they have too many opinions. Vegans, don't come for me. I used to be a vegan. I have a Black friend. Like, be cool. Be cool. But that's—I think that's why like I feel this way. I live that lifestyle and you didn't like it.

Well, you know, I think crying seven days a week is kind of crazy. Crying. Yeah.

Well, you don't have to cry to be a vegan. Well, you cry when you're sad. And sometimes as a vegan, you—you're not the happiest because you need calories.

Yes. Very dehydrated. Very malnourished. Yeah. I was light-skinned.

Wait, what? You were like E.T.? No. Literally, I was a light-skinned woman. It was not fair.

You were like E.T. when he—when he's losing his nutrients and is dying. Are you talking about my wigs?

What? Okay. Without my wigs. I do like—no, I'm not talking about being a racist. No, I'm talking—I'm talking about when he becomes white.

Oh, he did? At the end of the movie. Oh, for real? I didn't have a childhood. I didn't watch the rest of that movie.

You didn't have a child? No.

But were you a child? Childhood? Oh, okay. You were born like this. I was born this way. I was angry and wigless. Somebody recently said they had a take that if if vegan food is delivered by a human, it is no longer vegan because an animal went into the production of the food. Humans being animals.

Yeah. If you get like a DoorDash, it defeats the purpose because a human is being harmed. Getting paid is being harmed. Getting paid, door— I look, also—let's keep it a buck. Any food delivered by anybody from Uber Eats or whatever is tainted. They drank my lemonade. I ordered Panera Bread two days ago and they drank my lemonade and I was like, and it was a man and I'm not trying to be a sexist but like, really? You had to drink my lavender blueberry lemonade? Like, really? It was that serious?

How do you know he drank your lemonade? Because I called Panera Bread. I called Panera Bread and I said, "Hey, was there an order for me?" and they said yes. I said, "Did you hand over the lemonade?" Because maybe they messed up. Shout out to Panera. They didn't. They said that they handed the drink to him.

Wait a second. And I didn't get it. So he—oh, so he he drank my lemonade.

Oh, I thought he—I thought it was like half full. No, that would have been cool. That would have been cool because I ain't going to drink all of it anyways. That would have been nice. At least you delivered it.

No, he didn't deliver it, Kareem. He just took it and I was—and I kept waiting outside like, maybe he'll come back. Maybe he'll come back. Never came back. See, I don't like fraud. I don't like scams or schemes. That's why when it comes to like vegan chicken nuggets and vegan faithful men, all that weird stuff—I don't like that. Be real. Straight up. Give me—give me what it is. This is—this is—this is sauce tossed vegetables and a lie.