Therapists Shouldn't Be Hot

So, what's your take? Therapists should not be hot. 100% agree. Therapists should be ugly. They should. They shouldn't be attractive whatsoever. Nope. You have a hot therapist. Now you're trying to like impress them. You're lying about your life. I'm wearing things I would normally wear. You know, I'm doing push-ups in the lobby. Now, my stories, they're not even my stories. I'm telling somebody else's stories. I go from the guy who's like bullied to now I'm like the reformed bully. You know, now I'm like—because you want a little sympathy.

I want a little sympathy. He's like, "What? What a good guy. What, what a great guy. Oh, he feels bad for what he did." But the truth is, I'm incredibly petty, wildly vindictive, and I would love for my bull—I would love to kill my bully, but I can't be honest about that.

How many—how many hot therapists have you had? I've had a few hot therapists of both genders. This goes for whatever gender, whatever sexuality. Even if, you know, I'm a straight man, but you know when someone's hot. I know when someone's hot. It evokes a feeling. I still want that person to like me. How can I be vulnerable if I want you to like me?

I think therapy doesn't work at all because you always inevitably fall in love with the therapist. Regardless, again, if they're a man or woman. I'm going to say this. How can a hot therapist relate to my life? They can't. They can't. They—what are they going to tell me? "Oh, relax. It'll all work out." What's your ideal therapist? Like a—like an asexual freak. That would be ideal.

Okay, so this is a two-pronged approach. Therapist should not be too old either. Oh, no. No, that's—I want him to be eighty.

No. Big mistake. I don't want a twenty-five-year-old kid that just graduated from college. Doesn't even have any experience in life. I would rather have that than the eighty-year-old, because the eighty-year-old doesn't know my modern problems. Just go on TikTok. I've done that.

All right. Here's why I don't think therapists should be too old—because they can't relate to my modern-day problems. I've had older therapists, such as where I'd be like telling her a story, and she'd interrupt it. She'd be like, "What's GrubHub?" And I'm like, "I don't have the time, Dolores, to get into what GrubHub is." It's an app that delivers Thai food to my home. I use it to get Pad Thai. That's—but now we're talking about Pad Thai for like an hour. There's—I'm not even kidding. There was one session I helped her set up a Roku. You were at her house? I'm—yeah. I would show—it was like, once a week, I was doing their house. I was trying to get better. I was trying to improve my life, but it turned into like I'm doing like community service for like an old person. She wasn't even there one time. I was like watching her dogs.

It sounds to me like you have attachment issues. That's the kind of—going to therapy, you're too attached. I get attached. You're like a dog. You're like a puppy.

My roommate deals with this every day. I wake up. I immediately call his name, you know, and I just want to hang out. I want to play. Do you kiss him good morning? I would if you let me, but he's very tall. He's hard to reach.

I had a therapist once, and I intentionally said, "I never want to Zoom, and I never want to meet you in person." And so she was only in my ears, really, 'cause I didn't want to know what she looked like. She sounded hot though. I will not lie.

That's what I'm saying. You ever see the movie Her? He didn't—she didn't look like anything.

I know, but she—wildly in love. She sounded hot.

No, and that's what—that's what the relationship with my therapist was. And I—we take walks. We would take walks around the park. We'd be talking about my problems. Fell in love. I fell in love. And then I literally—the movie Her? I won an Academy Award, and then I had to quit. I also don't know if I want to know too much about the therapist's life. I want to know enough.

You're not supposed to know anything. But here's the thing: I one time had a therapist. She—she told me she got very sick. You know, she—like a life—like some sort of blood disease, and I had to stop seeing her. Why?

Because I can't complain about my life when she's like on the brink of death. Everything feels so trivial. You would feel comfortable complaining to someone who's like—has a—who's like going to like get like blood treat? No. I would say shut the fuck up. I'm the one paying.

That's what you would do? Yes.

Well, why are we talking about your problem? I guess I'm just—I guess I'm just more of an empath.

No, she should get a therapist. I don't—I don't hate that. There needs to be like a queen therapist. The queen bee. Like, 'cause like at a certain point you just keep going up the ladder. Have you met anyone that thinks therapist should be hot? Uh, I've had a few friends that are like, "Well, I have a hot therapist, and they're great." I'm like, "Well, you're just delusional."

Yeah, you know, you're just clearly in love with that person. Yeah. You can't do that. It's not—it's not good. I also think that you shouldn't go to their house. I look, I have no issues with this woman, but it did reach a point where I'm like, "I feel like—me, she's not your therapist anymore."

She's not my therapist anymore, but she still has your Roku password. She still has my Roku. If she's still alive, you know, uh, she has my Hulu.

That's your ex-girlfriend. That's your ex-girl. I love you. I love you, Dolores.