Ramy Youssef Says All People Are Good

All right. So we're going to do—we're going to do the take and then we're just going to keep talking. Okay. Great. All right. So what's your take?

Wait, give me again. Okay. I saw this flash like, this is going to take fundamentally. Everyone is a good person. Every single person on Earth is a good person. 100% disagree. I can think of countless examples of bad people. I'm not even going to rattle them off. People are not bad. They're infected. They have—with whatever it is. They're infected with hatred, with greed, with—with—with lust, whatever it is that takes them away from being good. But I would argue that they're only able to go through with how much bad things that they do because they contain good. So people pick up on the good, right? They pick up on the good that's in them and then they think, "Okay, well, maybe this is a good plan." And then, oh, boom. But I can make an argument that anyone deep down has that good core. They're just covered in layers of sickness.

Let's play a little game. Hit me. George Bush.

Have you seen his paintings? I mean, you see the good beaming out of them. Then there is like the mass, mass killing, right? And how did that happen? Because people probably saw his side hustle with the painting and they go, "This is a good guy." And then he goes, "Well, before I launch the painting thing, I got another idea. I rock. Let's just—let's just—now we're in Iraq." You know, and and and some of that comes off of I'm sure Cheney and Rumsfeld and all these dudes like are good guys. They're they're good. They are good people and they are heavily infected. I don't want to be anywhere near them, right? Like, and I had this unlocked during COVID, right? Where—where you know you love someone but they've got COVID, so it's like, why I can't be near you, right? This is a real—this is a revelation. This is how it hit me. I was like, "Oh wow. You are infected. You're not—you—you are not COVID. You have COVID. You are not greed and hatred and all these things, but man, you are fully, fully infected by them."

So Bush is infected with what? Like conqueror syndrome? Like, what—what is—what?

All sorts of things. I mean, I think like capitalism, the military-industrial complex. I mean, these are all very serious infections. Packed money. These are all like really serious infection.

Being infected by capitalism is hilarious.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a really bad disease. There's no vaccine.

Um, who else is bad? Who else is bad?

I don't want—I don't—I'll say it. BB.

Yeah. Netanyahu. Yeah.

I mean, he's not a good person. At the core, there is an argument to be made that some people might not be people. And that's where we kind of get into like aliens. We get into jinn. We get into ghosts. We get into ghosts and that kind of thing. But, uh, I don't know. I don't know if—if a—if I don't know if a ghost or a jinn could become a president. I think that BB might be infected by a jinn. That is—that might be—it's very possible. I think possession is possible, but I think that there is—I mean, BB is even kind of—you just said it. It's kind of a cute name. So there's this like little like, oh, BB, like you can kind of see there was something there, and and now I would—I would argue Benjamin Netanyahu is, um, the most infected person on Earth. He's the most effective person for sure. The sickest person. About. And and the bottom there is good.

What about Elon?

Alien. Straight up. That is an alien. And I think, you know, he's an alien because of how obsessed he is with going to space. He wants to go home. So Elon's like, "I guys, can I go home?" And everyone's like, "Dude, you're kind of crazy." And he's like, "I'm going to take over the entire government just to go home." I mean, Elon is is like an E.T. story. Like, he basically just wants to be with his family on Mars. And I wish that everyone could see that. Like, that's actually what's happening.

So you feel—you feel bad for him? That he's—he's essentially an American, uh, human refugee?

I mean, dude, I'm from New Jersey and there are so many things I've done to go back to Jersey. And you'd be like, "Dude, you're in one of the most beautiful places on Earth. Why do you want to go back to Jersey?" It's my home, right? So Elon is here. He's got all the spoils and the riches of Earth and all he's talking about is Mars. It's where he's from. He wants to go home. He wants to go home. He wants to go home.

Yeah, he wants to go home.

Elon, phone home.

Anything else you're thinking about?

Well, I was thinking about this—this this morning. Um, I was like, what do I talk to about? This is something I felt like—if you really, really—you know, when you really have to pee like really bad, and then you finally get to do it. That feeling is better than any sexual experience that you—

Bro, that's—that's the—that's the—how many layers of heaven are there? How many levels?

I think there's seven.

Okay. That's the highest level of heaven. You know how you know—I don't know how many levels there are 'cause my mom's always like, "If you want to make it to the top one, you have to do these things." I go, "I'm good with the bottom." With like a studio apartment in heaven. Like, I'll just get a little spot, bro. I'm a go visit some of my friends who like bigger groups. As long as I'm like in the heaven realm, I'm good.

No, they're like, you can get whatever you want in heaven.

I'm like, great. I just need level one. I don't need plus. I don't need premium. I don't need the highest level tier. Like, I'm good with Hulu with ads. It's fine. And I don't need that. I'll take it with—I'll take heaven with ads. It's fine with me. Ads, ad tier stuff. I'm trying to get a little bit higher than ad tier, but I don't need like 4K. Like, I just need—I need no ads and then give me like quality that matches my connection.

Okay. That's kind of where I'm at.

No, I—I agree. That feeling. Here's the thing. It's kind of like—I—I don't want to keep bringing this back to Islam, but it's kind of like Ramadan.

Yes.

And when you pee, it's the iftar of God.

Yeah. You know, like you're fasting all day by not peeing.

By not peeing. You're holding it to pee. And you're like, "Oh my god." And then at the end of the day, you go, "Oh god, that feels so good to pee."

Yeah. Well, imagine being on the subway, and this happens to me. I'll be on the subway and I really got to pee. And then you're like dying to get home. And then you do it. And then right when you finish peeing, you've accomplished such a great thing. You're chilling. You're on the couch and you're like, "I actually hit all my goals. Like, I am good for the day. I was productive. I didn't pee my pants."

Like, we really—when's the last time you peed your pants?

I pooped my pants.

No, no, no, no, no. Come on.

I did. I had a—I thought, you know, I thought it was a fart.

No.

And it was more, uh—this happened a month ago.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it didn't.

It did. 'Cause you know what? I had one of those probiotic coconut yogurts.

This did not happen.

I had—I had one of these like probiotic things that like it was an Ayurveda thing, I think. And and they're like, "Oh my god, you know, this thing is going to change your gut." And it did. And and it changed it so much that I put my pants in the first time so quickly in years.

How quickly did it change your gut from ingesting to operation change my pants?

It's a five-hour situation.

Five-hour situation.

But so this is the thing though, like about like when you hold like—like the feeling you get, like that feeling of warmth you get after you use the bathroom after you've been holding it. It's like—it's like companionship. It's like—it's so—if you're lonely, you know, and you don't have anyone in your life, do this and you're going to feel so good in that.

Well, that's one of the only times I ever feel like—sometimes I forget that I'm a soul in a body.

Yes. Sometimes I—I—I—I realize after I take that leak, that's when I realize I—like, I am in—like, I have a body and it feels good to have a body. Like, it's—I don't take—