Jason Bateman Explains Why I’m Doing Life Wrong

You look beautiful. Incredible.

Beautiful. More handsome in real life than— Distracting. I know.

More handsome in real life than I expected. Deal with that.

Did you know that? Do I know that I'm more handsome in real life?

Um, no. Well, not to say that you're ugly in—

Please explain it to me. I don't mean that you're ugly on TV, but anyways, we we could— That's my new take. Ready?

So, what's your take? So Kareem, my take is that I think that dogs should have to wear shoes. 100% agree.

You do? Yes.

Why? I mean, like, are you—are you as disgusted by them just tracking around the sidewalk, the road, and they come into your house, they get on your bed, they're kissing your face after they've been kissing other animal genitalia? Yeah. Licking butts. They lick butt. I don't understand why they get a pass on that and then like they sit on your pillow and then you're sleeping on that pillow and you're drooling on the pillow. There's a—there's like this highway between your saliva and the germs on the—It's Everything's wrong about them.

Do you have a dog? I got two of them.

Do they wear shoes? They don't. But but I don't—I don't—I don't let them out of the house.

Oh, they're house dogs. They're house dogs.

They're house—They're like cats. Are you sure they're not cats? They're very small. They're like cats. Are they dogs or cats?

They are. They are dog. One of them I think are qualified definitely as a dog. One of them is definitely a cat. The reason I think people don't buy shoes for their dogs is because you got to fe—you got to fit four legs whereas humans you can afford two shoes. I don't think you can afford four shoes.

I I think dog shoes would be very affordable. Now there—there—there—there are the—the boots here in New York City during the winter. I've seen those. It's very—it's a very cute look. It's like a little condom, right?

That's what I'm talking about. Tow condoms.

Yeah. Yeah. Um, also a great idea. Uh, for the freaks out there—

You know, like when you're in a movie theater and you lean back and you put your head on the thing, that's someone else's head grease, head oils, dead scalp flakes, and stuff you're then taking into your house, putting on your pillow that you're then putting your face. I'm not so worried about head germs as much as like what are you going to do after? I mean, what about your butt? These pants are dead to me now.

They're done. Yeah. If you notice, I didn't touch any rails coming in here. I I know how to surf on a on a subway. I won't touch these.

Oh, this is new. Here we go. We have a little lighting change here.

This is new. Thank you. It was like Black Rabbit for a second. Nice and dark.

Do you lie on your bed after you come home? No, you don't.

Day clothes on the bed is an absolute no. No. All the ass wax you get on something like this subway. Ass wax.

Yeah. And then you're going to lay on your sheets with that then be naked later. I don't know how you sleep. I'm not asking. Don't tell me. I don't want to tell—I don't want to tell the fans.

I mean, it's it's just not right. It's so easy to not do that. Are you a bit of a germaphobe?

I'm just somebody who just like I don't understand dancing. I don't understand moving your body to the rhythm of music. I have a friend who doesn't understand chewing gum. Why would you chew something you don't swallow? You know?

Wait, how does this connect? Well, just I I my brain sees things sometimes that in a way that is not helpful for me.

Tell me more about not understanding dancing. Because think about it literally. You're moving your body in a rhythmic way to something you're hearing. Like, why don't I get up and do that now with this subway sound? I'd be—I'd look like a freak.

So, you don't dance? I don't dance. I didn't dance with my wife at our wedding. I was also deeply scarred when I was in fourth grade when a girlfriend walked off the dance floor cuz she didn't like the way I danced. That might have something to do with the Korean.

I can imagine that that uh was a a— Seminal moment in your life.

Yeah. But I think you know you you need to embrace dancing like no one's looking.

That's why I used to drink. How long have you been sober? Uh, 25 years. Sober is a weird word.

How long have you been alcohol-free? Thank you. Um—

Oh, because you're New York sober, which means you still every once in a while. It's Coke out here. That's New York sober.

Oh, I'm LA sober, which means I still like the gummies. It's legal out there.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, so you you stopped drinking 25 years ago. Yeah.

And your life just improved drastically. Yeah. It's great. I I highly recommend it. I didn't think I'd be able to have fun socially without it. And then I kind of white knuckled it a couple of times and had a great time and people still liked me and so I was over it. Like it's just if that's—if that's what your hang-up is, just try it once or twice.

Just do it. Yeah.

Why do you think you're so likable? Oh—

Do you think you're likable? I think I I I don't—I I do enjoy people and I enjoy getting along with people and I think there is something that you learn when you're a little kid about how to get along with folks and some people just decide to not do that anymore cuz they're lazy. You practice people skills and things work out

because you have to be likable to have a podcast. Not necessarily. No, there's plenty of times I'm not likable. I'm sure there's tons of people out there that don't like me.

You think so? My wife hates me sometimes.

Really? Yeah. When you spend enough time with me, you'll be like, "Jesus."

What's your biggest like thing? Like what's your biggest ick? Your biggest red flag? What do people not like? I can get very quiet and very moody.

Oh, one of those guys. I'm an introvert, so like I can I can be very sort of personable, but then I got to recharge the engines and be quiet by myself.

Boy, you smell that? That happens. Yeah, I smell reefer right now. Do you smell reefer? There's a lot lot of California sober in here.

Where's the reefer? Where's the— This is the only uh talk show set where it just reeks of reefer.

I'm getting I'm getting kind of snacky. Would you ever be down to be in a reboot of Happy Days?

Yeah. Who would you be?

I would probably be Richie. Who would you be? You'd be uh—

I think I'd be the Fonz. Well, hang on. Can I check in the font? I think you're just a font.

I think I'm just a font. I think I'm just a font. This guy's kissing a lot of ass right now. He wants to hold his job.

Can you make a jukebox start just by hitting it? Yeah, dude. With my hips. I just give it a swing of the head.

Can you jump a shark on water skis? Of course, dude. I do that every weekend. I do that every weekend.

You guys work with the coolest dude in town. That's so nice of you. This is why you're doing the thing where you're doing the charming guy thing. You're one of the best guests I've ever had.

Well, let me take it back the other way now. You disgust me. The way you touched these railings as we walked down this double. I disgust you

because of the way you touch that. And you you don't remember that. That's that hand's been soiled by this. And you're going to eat something with that hand, aren't you? I'm going to wash my hands, mate. Uh—

And now this finger's dead to me. I'm going to boil this before I do anything. Do you think that you should wash your hands before you pee or after you pee?

Uh, definitely before. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You're a rare breed.

Well, it's not dirty. These are dirty. So, before I touch it, I want to clean these up. You wash your hand before you pee?

Yeah, man. And— Just the peeing.