Episode 445: When we go to war, there should be a draft and it should be based on your Uber rating
Summary
A straphanger proposes that the next military draft should rank soldiers by their Uber rating, sending low-rated passengers like "Becky who throws up in the back of Ubers" straight to the front lines. Kareem entertains the chaos. The rider expands his vision: bad tippers go too, along with anyone who got hair plugs in Turkey or underwent plastic surgery. Delta Platinum Medallion members? Exempt. The conversation spirals through an unaccompanied minor watching porn on a flight, the sacred handshake between Delta loyalists, and a defense of "God soldiers" who traveled abroad for hair transplants. It's unhinged patriotism meets airline status hierarchies. The rider insists his America is "pretty tight, dude.
Full Transcript
So, what's your take? When we go to war, there should be a draft and it should be based on your Uber rating.
100% disagree, bro.
Why, dude? Let's send Becky who throws up in the back of Ubers. So, if you have the low rating, the front line, dude, that's actually not bad. Bad ratings for front line. I can see Becky that throws up in Ubers just chucking grenades and calling her dad. Dad, dad, this sucks. I want to come home. I want to come home, Dad.
What got you started thinking about this? Do you think people with low Uber ratings are the worst? I just think another draft would really be good right now, but it needs to be ranked on something. We need to base it on people and their their attitudes. They should go to the front line.
Look, I don't think it's a bad idea, but who else are we sending? Uh, bad tippers.
You know who I think is exempt though? Who?
Delta Platinum Medallion members.
You like that? You living that life? Come on, bro. You know the handshake. Delta.
Wait, you're also living that life? Oh, I'm about that life.
Oh, I didn't realize. I only fly Delta. Yes, I am. I recently had to fly other stuff. They sit a child next to me that's not mine. Unaccompanied minored. I never heard about this.
I get woken up right from the woman behind me. Sir, sir. Sir, what? Your son is watching porn? Not my son. Unaccompanied.
Not my son. Bro, is that kid going to the front lines? His parents, they should go. So, bad parents, bad tippers, people with low Uber driver ratings. And then all these guys can go that got the hair plugs. The people that go to Turkey to get the hair transplant, those are God soldiers. I don't want them to go to war. We must protect them.
That's not good, bro. Stay natural, people. Stay natural.
Did you get hair plugs? No, I didn't get your blood.
You just seem to get offended. I didn't get offended. I'm just standing up on behalf of my brothers. Dude, people are messing up their whole faces everything. So, send people with plastic surgery to the war, too. You know, they're not usually good Uber customers.
I don't want to live in your America. My America's pretty tight, dude.