No More Artisanal Ketchups
Summary
A straphanger launches into a passionate defense of Heinz ketchup, declaring that restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup nonsense. Kareem's right there with him. The rider goes off: "We don't need your mango chutney ketchup. I just want the taste of Heinz." He also has strong feelings about burger pricing, insisting that fries shouldn't cost extra and that restaurants need to be more generous with condiments instead of treating customers "like an anal." The conversation takes a turn when Kareem admits he likes Miracle Whip, prompting an instant rejection from his companion. "Oh, Miracle Whip's disgusting. Oh, my God, get off the show." It's a spirited debate about condiment loyalty and the mysterious perfection of the Heinz factory.
Full Transcript
So what's your take? Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup. 100% agree. No craft ketchup. We don't like it. Heinz has perfected it. We don't need your mango chutney ketchup. I just want the taste of Heinz.
Preach, brother, preach. And here's the other thing: if you're going to be serving a burger, fries are not extra, okay? 200% agree. You're wrecking the experience. I don't even enjoy the fries, and the fries are the best part. And you can give me a little ketchup like this big. Like, don't treat me like a an anal. And think about the poor person in the kitchen crushing tomatoes. Is that what ketchup? Tomato? I don't know. I don't think anyone knows. That's why it's so bad. The Heinz Factory is a mystery. Now the Heinz Factory has figured out something that no one can duplicate.
What about craft mayo? Have you ever had that? That I can at least get a little bit behind.
100% disagree, really? I want Hellmann's. I'm going to give you a more controversial take: I like Miracle Whip. Oh, Miracle Whip's disgusting. Oh, my God, get off the show.