Episode 481: Every menushould be one page
Summary
A passionate stranger on the subway has strong opinions about restaurant menus: they should never exceed one page. The rider explains that multi-page menus ruin the entire dining experience, causing them to dissociate while everyone else is having fun, frantically earmarking items and interrogating friends about their orders. When the server finally arrives, they panic and blurt out "Chicken," then spend the whole meal regretting it. Kareem initially pushes back but quickly finds himself agreeing. The conversation spirals into tangents about photo menus ("I'm not a child"), leather-bound wine lists, and whether drinks menus should simply say "Drinks. We got them." Diners get a special exemption because they're not really about food. They're fluorescent-lit therapy sessions where the waitress calls you "hun" and you can talk about your dad's seven-day coma over French fries. Chain restaurants, however, spark debate.
Full Transcript
So, what's your take? Every menu should be one page. 100% disagree. 100% agree. 100% agree. Yes. Yes. Every I agree. 100% agree. I don't think it needs more than one page. One page. I walk into the restaurant, they go, "We make five things really, really well. You want one, you have one. Otherwise, you leave."
I got to go back for a second. Okay. If there are photos, I'm going over one thing. If there are photos, I'm leaving the restaurant. I'm not a child. I don't need a photo.
You want me to look at what this is? No. I—I can use my imagination.
I not go to a restaurant that doesn't have photos on the menu. What are you talking about? I want to know what I'm going to eat.
Well, you've never eaten something before. Oh gosh, I want the roast chicken. I just don't know what it looks like. I'm just saying if there are photos, you get another page. Two more pages. And then where does it end? And then drinks. Another menu.
Here's what the drinks menu should be. Drinks. We got them. That's it. That's it. How long you've been alive? It's like, do you need a menu to go like you look at it, you flip, you go, "I'm going to get a beer." I grow up. If you say, "What kind of beer do you have?" They go, "We have blah blah blah. We have blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah to tell you." And they go, "That one." People always ask, even if it's—if they have a menu, they go, "What kind of beer do you have?" "Do you have any non-alcoholic options?" That's right.
Hey, do you guys have orange juice? It's so annoying. The question you get all the time is, "What's your favorite thing on the menu?" If you have a one-page menu, you should say everything.
Why does it bother you so much that people's menus have more than one page? The experience for the user is bad. I walk in and there's multiple pages. My night's ruined because now I'm—everyone's having fun. "Hi, how are you?" And I'm—I'm dissociating. I'm flipping through the pages. I'm—I'm—I'm earmarking things. I'm going, "What are you ordering? Why do I care what you're ordering?" All of a sudden, and I'm—I'm— And then the waitress comes over and you're just gunned to head. You go, "Chicken." And then the whole meal, the whole meal, you're just not listening to a thing anyone's saying. You're going, "I should have gotten the—[bleep]—hell of it." Whereas if it's a short menu, if it's a short menu, you go, "That's the only thing that I wanted. I got to cook. I got to cook."
Wine menu. When they come over with the leather-bound wine menu, no, I don't need that. The majority of my life, the wine that I've consumed has come from a bag. So if it's coming from a bottle, I go, "Yeah, that's nice."
Is it a bag or a bottle? Is it a bag or a bottle? That's the only question.
Okay. And now, so something people are going to say, I think for sure, is people are going to come at us about diners. Who's "us"? You said agree. So we're in this together, buddy. A diner is not about the food.
100% agree. A diner is a place you go so that the waitress calls you "hun." And I get to tell you what it was like to lose my dad. I want to eat French fries and say it was a seven-day coma. Can you believe it? And it's fluorescent lighting. And I see every pore in your face. You don't have sunglasses on. And we're connecting.
Diners are exempt. Chains are also exempt. I don't know if I agree with that. If you're going to the Olive Garden, what are you getting at the Olive Garden?
Pasta.
Okay. [Music] Um, okay. We have to pivot. Um, I shouldn't have done a call to action on that one.